Camping Trip

I'm really excited about our camping trip coming in July. This year we have a site by the river, which will be so much nicer than being up against the cement slab we were against last year. I can't wait to have nothing to do all do - ah the freedom to read and lie around. I'm looking forward to spending time outside (it's true, I never imagined myself having a desk-job like this). I am looking forward to the fresh air and cool beach/mountain breezes. I am excited to cook outside. I'm excited to see stars in the sky. I'm excited to blow bubbles. I'm so longing to get away for "this" (whatever this is today).

But trust me when I say, I'd LOVE to skip right over June.

Undoubtedly a Struggle

Naked I came from my mother's womb,
naked I'll return to the womb of the earth.
God gives, God takes.
God's name be ever blessed.
JOB 1:21 (the message)

I spend a lot of my mental time considering how unfairly God has treated me (yep, I'm that prideful. I know most people spend time thinking of how unworthy of God's love they are - or so I'm told - but not me). I consider the lack of parental figures I have in my life (this is such a vast feeling, unjustified by that short a sentence). I consider how deeply my heart loves my siblings but seldom feel the same in their response. I consider that I've never figured out this whole career things... and then when I thought I did, my career dwindled down to hopeless (a deep feeling of purposelessness).

Undoubtedly, it has been a struggle for me to say, "you gave, you took, and I will bless you forever!" Most days, I want to cry out, "this is a frickin joke!"

Nonetheless, I remember when I was in the thick of living with child-like parents and coping with caring for my siblings and myself. I remember when God's love was, indeed, better than life (Psalm 63:3). Like David, "I have seen" this good God work love and life into a heart so scared and lifeless. And so, in this continued time of deep sorrow and time when I wonder when God will step in and say, "enough is enough," I say,

You, God, are my God,
earnestly I seek you;
I thirst for you,
my whole being longs for you,
in a [lonely and hurting] land
where there is no [change].

I have seen you in the sanctuary
and beheld your power and your glory.
Because your love is better than life,
my lips will glorify you.
I will praise you as long as I live,
and in your name I will lift up my hands.
PSALM 63:1-4

He's Got the Love

Florence and the Machine
You've Got the Love

Sometimes I feel like throwing my hands up in the air
I know I can count on you
Sometimes I feel like saying "Lord I just don't care"
But you've got the love I need To see me through

Sometimes it seems that the going is just too rough
And things go wrong no matter what I do
Now and then it seems that life is just too much
But you've got the love I need to see me through


When food is gone you are my daily meal
When friends are gone I know my savior's love is real
Your love is real

You got the love
You got the love

Time after time I think "Oh Lord what's the use?"
Time after time I think it's just no good
Sooner or later in life, the things you love you loose
But you got the love I need to see me through

You got the love
You got the love

Sometimes I feel like throwing my hands up in the air
I know I can count on you
Sometimes I feel like saying "Lord I just don't care"
But you've got the love I need to see me through

You got the love
You got the love

You got the love

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A Lenten Idea

    Over the past few months I recognized a deep need inside of myself - a need to connect with God in a more proactive way. I have been living a blah-life. A life that knows God exists but doesn't allow that knowledge to dictate it's movements. I have come to understand and feel the need to practice spiritual disciplines so as to put myself in a posture of hearing and seeing God.


    As Lenten season so quickly approaches I admit that I've only briefly thought about partaking in the practice of Lent this year. But today I decided that it is one of those opportunities to posture myself for receiving from God. How dare I past it up!
    I joked about "Lenting" work... maybe show up but not do anything? Ha! I also thought maybe it'd be interesting to "Lent" talking. Heehee... what a silly idea.
    Then, this afternoon at work, out of the blue to him, I asked a friend "What if I Lented shoes?"
    He said, "What?"
    I repeated, "What if I Lented shoes?"
    He looked quizzical, "Do you mean lend you shoes to someone else?"
    Hahahaha! Oh Daren! "No, I mean Lent, like the season. Like fast my shoes."
    "OH! Hmm..."
    And that's my idea. What if I fasted shoes?
    In Exodus 3, Moses incounters God through the burning bush. The first statement, request really, that God makes to Moses is that he take his shoes off and recognize that the place he is in is holy. Exodus 3:1-6 says,

"I Moses was shepherding the flock of Jethro, his father-in-law, the priest of Midian. He led the flock to the west end of the wilderness and came to the mountain of God, Horeb. The angel of God appeared to him in flames of fire blazing out of the middle of a bush. He looked. The bush was blazing away but it didn't burn up.
  Moses said, "What's going on here? I can't believe this! Amazing! Why doesn't the bush burn up?"
  God saw that he had stopped to look. God called to him from out of the bush, "Moses! Moses!"
   He said, "Yes? I'm right here!"
 God said, "Don't come any closer. Remove your sandals from your feet. You're standing on holy ground."
 Then he said, "I am the God of your father: The God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, the God of Jacob."
   Moses hid his face, afraid to look at God.

    As a sign of my readiness to recieve from God - What if I fasted my shoes? What if I also fasted my shoes as a reminder to myself that wherever I go I must be intentional about recognizing God in that place and make that place holy through my actions and posturing. And what if I fasted my shoes for the purpose of experiencing just a glimpse of the pain my Savior felt as He carried a cross up a hill with anticipation of a death worthy enough to pay for the sins of many?

Yeah... what if I Lented my shoes? (and hey, while I'm at it, if you'd like to borrow my shoes... why not!)

The Return

Again, a long sabbatical from blogging... and the return.

But recently I've been really feeling the desire to read and write again - especially with the emotional roller coaster ride that my life has been for the past 3-4 months. New job, new lifestyle (full time job, rather than part times), spiritual growth (or lack thereof), new awareness of self, etc. I recognize that I enjoy reading so thoroughly sometimes. And I think that sometimes that's because it's an escape. Not just an escape like we put on classroom posters, Reading Is Fun, Get Lost In a Book, but a true sincere moment of not being or feeling like me. Accepting and embracing another's emotions and cognition - there's a little bit of freedom in that.

I've recently been reading Little Bee by Chris Cleave. It is described as "a haunting novel about the tenuous friendship that blooms between two disparate strangers—one an illegal Nigerian refugee, the other a recent widow from suburban London." It's a well written story that allows reader to experience the emotions of two very unalike women - and both very unlike myself. Little Bee and Sarah are so different but the perspective change back and forth between the two characters creates a well rounded, enjoyable look at the plot. The author artfully creates vivid pictures of both Nigeria and London using his eloquent but rational speech and understanding of differing cultures. Great read!

And that... that was the return.

UNchristian (Entry 1)

Today (during jury duty), I've started the book, UnChristian: What a New Generation Really Thinks About Christianity... And Why it Matters, by David Kinnaman and Gabe Lyons.

I've found some of it quite interesting, not because it's really new or shocking information but because it has confirmed much of what I've already assumed or deeply considered.

Something interesting:

"One of the surprising insights from our research is that the growing hostility toward Christians is verys,uch a reflections of what outsiders feel they receive from believer. They say their aggression simply matched the oversized opinions and egos of Christians. One outsider put it this way: 'Most people I meet assume that Christian means very conservative, entrenched in their thinking, antigay, antichoice, angry, violent, illogical, empire builders; they want to convert everyone and they generally cannot live peacefully with anyone who doesn't believe what they believe.'"

Kinnaman says in the next paragraph, "We have become famous for what we oppose, rather than who we are for."

I find this interesting and poignant because I have observed this during my transition from CBU to "the secular world" (i.e. Barnes and Nobles workplace). People shy away from the homosexuality topic or leave out part of "last night" stories. If they don't shy away from it, they earmark the conversation with, "I know you don't agree with this, but..." and continue to share their opinion or story with a pride of individuality or arrogance of rebellion (these attitudes, although phrased differently, are also addressed in the first few chapters). It takes some time to establish a relationship with "outsiders" (as the author calls them) and express to them that I care deeply for them, and love them because they live and breath and are made in the image of God. And having come into the workplace with the Christian reputation trailing my steps, I was often excluded and/or treated as though I were too naive to understand or relate. It has taken the time I've been there to establish a trust with my co-workers, a trust that they seemed to give each other quite freely. I absolutely feel the pangs of being known for what I supposedly oppose rather than being know for the one whom I strive to follow.

My Teeth!

Today, I took a nap.
During my nap I dreamed that my teeth were falling out.
Falling out at the slightest touch.
I was bleeding from the mouth.
Aaron "dropped me off" at the dentist.
I stood in the waiting room, bleeding from the mouth with about 20 teeth in my cupped hands.
A man said, "You'll be okay, we'll be right with you."
I was bawling.
Bawling.
I woke up to Aaron calling me on the phone but I couldn't answer because I was out of breath.
I was; I was out of breath!

I was reading my book.
My phone notified me of an e-mail.
The e-mail had been long awaited.
The e-mail was from the school at which I interviewed for a teaching position.
The e-mail said that they no longer had an opening because the other teachers each decided to pick up an extra class period.

My teeth were falling out,
I STILL don't have a real job,
and I don't see any hope of having one soon.
I kind of really want to cry.