Camping Trip

I'm really excited about our camping trip coming in July. This year we have a site by the river, which will be so much nicer than being up against the cement slab we were against last year. I can't wait to have nothing to do all do - ah the freedom to read and lie around. I'm looking forward to spending time outside (it's true, I never imagined myself having a desk-job like this). I am looking forward to the fresh air and cool beach/mountain breezes. I am excited to cook outside. I'm excited to see stars in the sky. I'm excited to blow bubbles. I'm so longing to get away for "this" (whatever this is today).

But trust me when I say, I'd LOVE to skip right over June.

Undoubtedly a Struggle

Naked I came from my mother's womb,
naked I'll return to the womb of the earth.
God gives, God takes.
God's name be ever blessed.
JOB 1:21 (the message)

I spend a lot of my mental time considering how unfairly God has treated me (yep, I'm that prideful. I know most people spend time thinking of how unworthy of God's love they are - or so I'm told - but not me). I consider the lack of parental figures I have in my life (this is such a vast feeling, unjustified by that short a sentence). I consider how deeply my heart loves my siblings but seldom feel the same in their response. I consider that I've never figured out this whole career things... and then when I thought I did, my career dwindled down to hopeless (a deep feeling of purposelessness).

Undoubtedly, it has been a struggle for me to say, "you gave, you took, and I will bless you forever!" Most days, I want to cry out, "this is a frickin joke!"

Nonetheless, I remember when I was in the thick of living with child-like parents and coping with caring for my siblings and myself. I remember when God's love was, indeed, better than life (Psalm 63:3). Like David, "I have seen" this good God work love and life into a heart so scared and lifeless. And so, in this continued time of deep sorrow and time when I wonder when God will step in and say, "enough is enough," I say,

You, God, are my God,
earnestly I seek you;
I thirst for you,
my whole being longs for you,
in a [lonely and hurting] land
where there is no [change].

I have seen you in the sanctuary
and beheld your power and your glory.
Because your love is better than life,
my lips will glorify you.
I will praise you as long as I live,
and in your name I will lift up my hands.
PSALM 63:1-4