Harder Than You Think

I'm sure I look alright... but I'm taking this harder than you might think. My insides tighten and my eyes water when I think about it. It makes me physically ill. I've decided to withdraw from my online class because I can't think straight and I don't feel even slightly motivated to care about school. My mind is racing... over the same road again and again. I'm not hungry. I can't sleep without dreaming horrible dreams (none nearly as harmful as reality, I suppose). I dreamed that all of my teeth fell out when I took a "nap" yesterday. I don't want to be around ANYONE but you, Mikey and Aaron. I'm sad for you and sad for me. I feel guilty that I didn't see it before. I feel guilty that I'm not near by to talk to you. I feel guilty that I live so far away. I'm afraid you think I left you. I miss you so hard it hurts. I showed up at work today, turned on my computer, and started to cry... then I went home. I went grocery shopping today because we had absolutely no food in our apartment... I had to listen to my iPod because I was afraid I'd think about all this and break down crying in the middle of the store. I wanted to text you... but I knew you wouldn't get it. I'll probably start taking medicine too, as soon as I can get help.

I'm sure I look alright... but I'm taking this harder than you might think.

I DID IT!!! (and other random thoughts)

I passed my first two sections of the CSET. That's the test that I thought there was no way I passed... yeah... that one! It has totally made my whole day 10x brighter. I'm just glad I don't have to re-take them. I do have to take the other two sections, but... two down, two to go. One step closer to being a REAL teacher!

Also, I made it through November! I'm so happy that it's December. November was just a little too crazy and I almost completely lost it.

Now... I really want to go back to India this summer. I want to be able to visit Janaman and make some progress on starting the orphanage. The problem: I don't have the money and I don't want to ask everyone AGAIN. The other problem: I reeeeeally wanna go!!! (right Amber?)

Book weather emotions

I feel that this just about sums up my emotions for today:

I'm leaving work to go home and read a book... CUZ I WANT TO!

November 20th!!!

How did you get here!? Seriously... bullet train?

I cannot believe it is already November 2oth! I don't know how I lived through the last 2o days. Actually, I'm pretty sure that's just what I did - live through them. They've gone by so fast and they've been so busy. I'm glad to have finished the 2 sections of the CSET, but I'm still waiting (nervously) on the results. We've moved into our new apartment and we absolutely love it. It has a little more space and already feels like our home. Hosting Janaman was both amazingly exciting and horribly exhausting. We had a lot to do and it's always wearing to spend time with international friends whom you have to struggle to understand.

Some exciting thing have come out of the last 2o days, but I'm really not sure how I've made it through. My body is screaming and yelling at me now, but I'm sure it'll eventually settle down and I'll be able to talk some sense into it.

Alright, December, bring it on!

A Laughter of a Memory

This morning, as I stood in the bathroom straightening my hair, I began to think of all the things I'm blessed by. I thought of some of the amazing people I've traveled alongside to India. I thought of many of the people in my congregation that are so pleased in the Lord. I thought of the provision that God has granted me - a wonderful new apartment at the top of my list today. I also thought of my beloved husband. In thinking about how great he is, I stumbled across a memory that, I believe, vividly expresses why I am thankful for this man. The memory is this:

Aaron and I went to Oregon in October. We flew into the Portland airport on October 15th around 5pm. We exited the airplane, gathered our luggage, and we lugged our luggage (now I understand the term "luggage") toward the car rental booth just outside the airport. Aaron stood in line as I stood watch over our luggage just beyond the line, toward the parking garage. After the transaction at the counter was completed, Aaron and the car-rental-man proceeded toward the garage and I followed. We entered an elevator that would take us to the garage level where we'd receive our beautiful, masterpiece of a car - a royal blue Chevy Cobalt. The car-rental-man, being polite and personable, thought it fitting to start small talk in the elevator. "What brings you to Portland," car-rental-man asked. "We're visiting my grandpa," Aaron replied. I truly worked very hard not to laugh out loud while thinking to myself, "Visit your grandpa!?" "Oh, how sweet! I'm sure he'll be so happy to see you," car-rental-man said so sincerely. In my head (and probably in my face), I laughingly smirked a reply, "Not really! He's dead!" You see, Aaron and I had traveled to Oregon not to visit his grandfather, but to celebrated his life and morn his passing with the rest of Aaron's family. What brought us to Portland? His grandfather's memorial service! My precious Aaron simply didn't want to hear, "oh, I'm sorry for your loss" and thought it better to explain our visit in different terms.

It's all these blessed memories that make me smile.

Mutts

L.A. ...lalala... Love

The perk of living in LA is the la la la live music! Heck yes it is!

Tonight I went to Hotel Cafe and saw Greg Laswell. His music is pretty amazing. He's pretty chill himself actually. It was fun to watch him perform. He seemed sincere... and tired. The Hotel Cafe is this cute little place with a few tables and tons of standing room. Cute cut-out-felt hanging lamps and a brick wall, it's located right between Sunset Blvd. and Hollywood Blvd. in the heart of the downtizown. What better place to listen to such sweet melodic expressions.

Yay for LA! Love the live la la la.