He's Got the Love

Florence and the Machine
You've Got the Love

Sometimes I feel like throwing my hands up in the air
I know I can count on you
Sometimes I feel like saying "Lord I just don't care"
But you've got the love I need To see me through

Sometimes it seems that the going is just too rough
And things go wrong no matter what I do
Now and then it seems that life is just too much
But you've got the love I need to see me through


When food is gone you are my daily meal
When friends are gone I know my savior's love is real
Your love is real

You got the love
You got the love

Time after time I think "Oh Lord what's the use?"
Time after time I think it's just no good
Sooner or later in life, the things you love you loose
But you got the love I need to see me through

You got the love
You got the love

Sometimes I feel like throwing my hands up in the air
I know I can count on you
Sometimes I feel like saying "Lord I just don't care"
But you've got the love I need to see me through

You got the love
You got the love

You got the love

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A Lenten Idea

    Over the past few months I recognized a deep need inside of myself - a need to connect with God in a more proactive way. I have been living a blah-life. A life that knows God exists but doesn't allow that knowledge to dictate it's movements. I have come to understand and feel the need to practice spiritual disciplines so as to put myself in a posture of hearing and seeing God.


    As Lenten season so quickly approaches I admit that I've only briefly thought about partaking in the practice of Lent this year. But today I decided that it is one of those opportunities to posture myself for receiving from God. How dare I past it up!
    I joked about "Lenting" work... maybe show up but not do anything? Ha! I also thought maybe it'd be interesting to "Lent" talking. Heehee... what a silly idea.
    Then, this afternoon at work, out of the blue to him, I asked a friend "What if I Lented shoes?"
    He said, "What?"
    I repeated, "What if I Lented shoes?"
    He looked quizzical, "Do you mean lend you shoes to someone else?"
    Hahahaha! Oh Daren! "No, I mean Lent, like the season. Like fast my shoes."
    "OH! Hmm..."
    And that's my idea. What if I fasted shoes?
    In Exodus 3, Moses incounters God through the burning bush. The first statement, request really, that God makes to Moses is that he take his shoes off and recognize that the place he is in is holy. Exodus 3:1-6 says,

"I Moses was shepherding the flock of Jethro, his father-in-law, the priest of Midian. He led the flock to the west end of the wilderness and came to the mountain of God, Horeb. The angel of God appeared to him in flames of fire blazing out of the middle of a bush. He looked. The bush was blazing away but it didn't burn up.
  Moses said, "What's going on here? I can't believe this! Amazing! Why doesn't the bush burn up?"
  God saw that he had stopped to look. God called to him from out of the bush, "Moses! Moses!"
   He said, "Yes? I'm right here!"
 God said, "Don't come any closer. Remove your sandals from your feet. You're standing on holy ground."
 Then he said, "I am the God of your father: The God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, the God of Jacob."
   Moses hid his face, afraid to look at God.

    As a sign of my readiness to recieve from God - What if I fasted my shoes? What if I also fasted my shoes as a reminder to myself that wherever I go I must be intentional about recognizing God in that place and make that place holy through my actions and posturing. And what if I fasted my shoes for the purpose of experiencing just a glimpse of the pain my Savior felt as He carried a cross up a hill with anticipation of a death worthy enough to pay for the sins of many?

Yeah... what if I Lented my shoes? (and hey, while I'm at it, if you'd like to borrow my shoes... why not!)

The Return

Again, a long sabbatical from blogging... and the return.

But recently I've been really feeling the desire to read and write again - especially with the emotional roller coaster ride that my life has been for the past 3-4 months. New job, new lifestyle (full time job, rather than part times), spiritual growth (or lack thereof), new awareness of self, etc. I recognize that I enjoy reading so thoroughly sometimes. And I think that sometimes that's because it's an escape. Not just an escape like we put on classroom posters, Reading Is Fun, Get Lost In a Book, but a true sincere moment of not being or feeling like me. Accepting and embracing another's emotions and cognition - there's a little bit of freedom in that.

I've recently been reading Little Bee by Chris Cleave. It is described as "a haunting novel about the tenuous friendship that blooms between two disparate strangers—one an illegal Nigerian refugee, the other a recent widow from suburban London." It's a well written story that allows reader to experience the emotions of two very unalike women - and both very unlike myself. Little Bee and Sarah are so different but the perspective change back and forth between the two characters creates a well rounded, enjoyable look at the plot. The author artfully creates vivid pictures of both Nigeria and London using his eloquent but rational speech and understanding of differing cultures. Great read!

And that... that was the return.

UNchristian (Entry 1)

Today (during jury duty), I've started the book, UnChristian: What a New Generation Really Thinks About Christianity... And Why it Matters, by David Kinnaman and Gabe Lyons.

I've found some of it quite interesting, not because it's really new or shocking information but because it has confirmed much of what I've already assumed or deeply considered.

Something interesting:

"One of the surprising insights from our research is that the growing hostility toward Christians is verys,uch a reflections of what outsiders feel they receive from believer. They say their aggression simply matched the oversized opinions and egos of Christians. One outsider put it this way: 'Most people I meet assume that Christian means very conservative, entrenched in their thinking, antigay, antichoice, angry, violent, illogical, empire builders; they want to convert everyone and they generally cannot live peacefully with anyone who doesn't believe what they believe.'"

Kinnaman says in the next paragraph, "We have become famous for what we oppose, rather than who we are for."

I find this interesting and poignant because I have observed this during my transition from CBU to "the secular world" (i.e. Barnes and Nobles workplace). People shy away from the homosexuality topic or leave out part of "last night" stories. If they don't shy away from it, they earmark the conversation with, "I know you don't agree with this, but..." and continue to share their opinion or story with a pride of individuality or arrogance of rebellion (these attitudes, although phrased differently, are also addressed in the first few chapters). It takes some time to establish a relationship with "outsiders" (as the author calls them) and express to them that I care deeply for them, and love them because they live and breath and are made in the image of God. And having come into the workplace with the Christian reputation trailing my steps, I was often excluded and/or treated as though I were too naive to understand or relate. It has taken the time I've been there to establish a trust with my co-workers, a trust that they seemed to give each other quite freely. I absolutely feel the pangs of being known for what I supposedly oppose rather than being know for the one whom I strive to follow.

My Teeth!

Today, I took a nap.
During my nap I dreamed that my teeth were falling out.
Falling out at the slightest touch.
I was bleeding from the mouth.
Aaron "dropped me off" at the dentist.
I stood in the waiting room, bleeding from the mouth with about 20 teeth in my cupped hands.
A man said, "You'll be okay, we'll be right with you."
I was bawling.
Bawling.
I woke up to Aaron calling me on the phone but I couldn't answer because I was out of breath.
I was; I was out of breath!

I was reading my book.
My phone notified me of an e-mail.
The e-mail had been long awaited.
The e-mail was from the school at which I interviewed for a teaching position.
The e-mail said that they no longer had an opening because the other teachers each decided to pick up an extra class period.

My teeth were falling out,
I STILL don't have a real job,
and I don't see any hope of having one soon.
I kind of really want to cry.

Hello, me

Yes, it's about time I caught up with myself. I feel like I've been lost for the past five months. I can't believe I've even made it through.

I'm at the point now where I am torn between celebrating and diving into deep depression. I have one whole week of teaching and a half week of "finals" left in my student teaching experience. I am so excited to have my life back and not work for eight hours a day without pay while someone else gets paid to watch me and check his email (seriously, who thought that up!?). I'm excited to think that my chances (theoretically) of being hired to teach will now go up. I've had fun getting to know my students and getting to know my own teaching style (to a degree). BUT I don't know what to do with the free time that is coming up. I will go from teaching 8 hours + working at night + 2 ridiculous classes to >> nothing + working a shift or two at B&N + more nothing. I will definite have a post-busy-and-unbearable-lifestyle emotional break down at some point. I will cry that it's over and I (probably) don't have a teaching job, I don't have many friends to hangout with or reflect with, I still have the crappiest family in all of ... well, my life. These are all the things I haven't invested emotions into for the last five months because I have invested every ounce of emotion into "hanging-in-there" and "just-getting-it-done."

Next

The topic of children has been floating to the surface so often lately! I have thought about it often and Aaron has talked about it, and people around me are pregnant, and people on TV want and are having children, and I'm babysitting those life sucking, evil, beautiful girls   .... now, the book I'm reading (we'll get to that) is talking about it! It's everywhere!

Next

Because things are winding down (kinda) I've been reading Belong to Me by Marisa de los Santos. It's beautiful! I've just been so pleased to dive into it but also so careful to savor it. She writes with such tenderness but writes so vividly. She allows readers to not just see the plot but feel the plot and get a complete understanding of the thoughts running through each characters head (and so realistically... like their head actually existed!). I've just been so pleased. And then I realized why I was pleased: Marisa de los Santos has a doctoral degree in literature and creative writing! I had once twittered "I love reading good books." And I didn't  even know how to describe why I put it on my "good books" list, but HELLO!!! Finally someone who deserves to be a doctor of literature and creative writing and who deserves to be a best-selling author, and I just happen to run across her books (thanks to a VERY good friend)... that's the "good books" experience. And honestly, that experience is some kind of sparkling joy that, when poured into you, gives you that uncomfortable but pleasing and refreshing carbonated tears-in-your-eyes kind of feeling. It's that "it's so good, I want more, but the bubbles are making me tear up so I'll have to drink it slowly," kind of feeling that is nearly indescribable. It sounds ridiculous or just "off" but I've found so much joy in reading in the past few years - and this is one of the high points of the already-awesome feeling books give me.

Dear me,
I feel like it's just been a while. It's been too long, that's for sure. But soon we may grow tired of each other again - and quickly - so be prepared.
With great sincerity and honestly,
Me

Twittereded

I did it.... I gave in and got a twitter account. And now I tweet...tweet... tweet.

twitter: stephuren