Undoubtedly a Struggle

Naked I came from my mother's womb,
naked I'll return to the womb of the earth.
God gives, God takes.
God's name be ever blessed.
JOB 1:21 (the message)

I spend a lot of my mental time considering how unfairly God has treated me (yep, I'm that prideful. I know most people spend time thinking of how unworthy of God's love they are - or so I'm told - but not me). I consider the lack of parental figures I have in my life (this is such a vast feeling, unjustified by that short a sentence). I consider how deeply my heart loves my siblings but seldom feel the same in their response. I consider that I've never figured out this whole career things... and then when I thought I did, my career dwindled down to hopeless (a deep feeling of purposelessness).

Undoubtedly, it has been a struggle for me to say, "you gave, you took, and I will bless you forever!" Most days, I want to cry out, "this is a frickin joke!"

Nonetheless, I remember when I was in the thick of living with child-like parents and coping with caring for my siblings and myself. I remember when God's love was, indeed, better than life (Psalm 63:3). Like David, "I have seen" this good God work love and life into a heart so scared and lifeless. And so, in this continued time of deep sorrow and time when I wonder when God will step in and say, "enough is enough," I say,

You, God, are my God,
earnestly I seek you;
I thirst for you,
my whole being longs for you,
in a [lonely and hurting] land
where there is no [change].

I have seen you in the sanctuary
and beheld your power and your glory.
Because your love is better than life,
my lips will glorify you.
I will praise you as long as I live,
and in your name I will lift up my hands.
PSALM 63:1-4